Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Gone Beautiful

"While we're triple-checking the veracity of the information we've received thus far, all indications point to the three being none other than Stiletto Flats very own resident international crime fighters ... The Unbelievables ..." - Monday's episode

What?? No!!! This boundless and baseless accusation is preposterous and insulting on a number of levels.

1) We're not bad guys. Duh. That's pretty much exactly what we are not and what we are the opposite of.
"Good" = Us

2) Why in the world would we steal jewelry, of all things?
When we already have such sweet bling-age of our own?

3) These are nothing but dudes in wigs!

Let me be clear about something. Do we, The Unbelievables, sometimes dress as women? Of course we do. We're masters of disguise! It's a necessary thing for infiltrating criminal organizations, as well as nice form of relaxation. But when we do it, we take it seriously. We don't just slap on a wig, some sunglasses and some yoga gear and say, "look at us, we're girls!" 
  • In order to sound like women, we modulate our voices to a higher pitch and say lady things like "ooh!" and "ew!" and "squee!" and "spiders are icky" and "somebody help me open this jar" and "my uterus is killing me!"
  • We pick out stylish and feminine clothing to wear.
  • We walk with a swivel to our hips, like ladies do.
The end result?
Boom, bitches.
 Come on. Compare that to these hideous cows...
GROSS!!!

Get it together, S.F.P.D. I thought you were better than this, but we definitely are.
FIERCE!!!
Go out and get some actual evidence and solve a crime, duh.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Gone Bad



Recently in an office at the end of a hallway at the Stiletto Flats Police Department ...

A police captain enters the room and the hushed whispers of a dozen or so officers sitting at several tables become quiet. All attention is pointed toward the captain as he makes his way to a podium at the head of the room.

"Gentlemen? May I direct your attention to the video screen please ..."

The room darkens and a video pops on a screen behind the captain:



At its conclusion, the lights come up once more. The captain clears his throat.

"The robbery you just witnessed was conducted late Thursday afternoon at Stiletto Flats Jewelry. The two employees at the store - both shown behind the counter in the video at various times - have said they believe the perpetrators were three men dressed in wigs and female clothing. Apparently all three spoke at different times during the robbery and the employees stated in no uncertain terms their voices were distinctly male. You can see in the video they avoided the glass display cases altogether and went for the safe in the rear of the store. And it's been reported approximately $240,000.00 was taken. All three suspects were wearing gloves and eye wear as can be seen, making identification extremely difficult. However ... a witness has come forward who claims there are telltale indications as to the suspects' identities ..."

"Who?" came the calls of several of the officers.

"While we're triple-checking the veracity of the information we've received thus far, all indications point to the three being none other than Stiletto Flats very own resident international crime fighters ... The Unbelievables ..."

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Dangerous Dancers Of Maurice: The problem we ALL have

Jeff stated the obvious: "We might have a problem ..."
Michael did an absolutely top-notch job of infiltrating Maurice Dancer's "nefarious flowery-frocked gang of musical mayhemers" and should be commended for taking, um, extreme measures to do so. The situation should be considerably easier to manage going forward, but major damage has been done and will continue to manifest for some time. I'm not sure you, the general public, see the potential problems...

"What's wrong with joining forces with a bunch of fun people who like to drink and sing and wear flowers in their hair?", you ask.

Nothing... at first


But soon, the flowers begin draining the victim's brain

"Uhhhhh... like, whaaaaa?"


And then the toxins begin distorting the victim's facial features...
"Give me a kiss. Or another lemon to suck on. Quack quack!"


These mutations become more pronounced...
"Whatever, Unbelievadude. We still cute!"

Hmmm, not so much, gals. Also, notice the pretty flowers are gone. That's because they're not just 'pretty flowers'. They're genetically modified flowers, engineered to attach to you, wreak havoc on your molecular structure and eventually recede into their roots, deep within your brain storage area (aka: head).
Dr. Moreau called. He wants you to come back to the island.


And that's when things start turning truly terrible...
Gyah!

What? No!!

Sweet merciful deity of a given individual's personal theological preference!

Yes. Now maybe you see that Maurice Dancer and his followers, in addition to all the crime they commit, are responsible for nothing less than turning innocent civilians into monsters. And you would know what a real mess that can be if you had ever read the classified file from 1987, the last time someone created a pandemic of monsters that roamed the earth and that we had to stop, but you don't because you haven't read that file because it's classified. So forget I mentioned it.





Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The Dangerous Dancers Of Maurice: The Plan


 


With regard to Monday's all-points bulletin about Maurice Dancer and his nefarious flowery-frocked gang of musical mayhemers*: No sooner did the word get put out there then the calls came ring-a-ting-tinging into the Unbelieva-Base. 

I was munching on a sandwich, coming 'round the corner into one of our offices where Clark and Jeff were deep in conversation. I heard the phone clack into its cradle ...

"Well, that makes about half a dozen alerts already from the good public, all of them noting Dancer's shenanigans have become a bigger problem than originally thought. Once folks get a pint or two in them they're basically putty to his suggestions. People are throwing their hard-earned cash left and right into his minions charity boxes. They go home, come out of their stupors and realize they don't have enough cash to go grocery shopping. Something has to be done ..."

My ears automatically pricked up.

"'Pints' ... as in beer?" I asked. "Boom, I'm there! Sign me up! I'll go undercover and infiltrate Maurice's gang - concentrating on his right hand woman Mrs. Big - and quash the lot of them chop chop!" I offered.

Jeff stated the obvious: "Well, we know you like beer."

"Duh" I responded.

"You'd have to go deep undercover. You'd have to use one of our most clandestine alter-egos," Clark noted. 

"Hold that thought," I told Clark. I left and came back in 5 minutes with one of my disguises:


Can I cook or can't I?

"That flowery headdress mumbo-jumbo is a cinch to pull off," I told them.

Clark looked at Jeff. "He's good, I'll give him that." Jeff nodded in agreement.

"Your passport is up to date, right?" Jeff asked.

I looked at him sideways. He knew my passport was current.

"Plus ... you'd have to wear pants," Clark pointed out.

"I can suck it up and take one for the team as circumstances dictate," I replied.

Jeff had a few last considerations. "Are you sure you're going to be able to sidle up to Mrs. Big? She doesn't wear make-up, she's got zero fashion fashion sense making her unattractive ... and have you seen the lower lip on that woman?"


Jeff had a point. That's one ugly woman ...

"It's going to be rough ... but that's where the beer will come in handy," I countered. 

"It's settled, then," Clark concluded. "Michael will edge into Maurice's little party and crack'em like an egg. You'll call us when you have something."

"Righty-O," I verified. "It might take me a bit to win their confidences but I'll work out any kinks. Trust me."

Jeff and Clark saw me off at the airport the next day ...

... and that's the last they heard of me for 2 weeks.

"You know ... we haven't heard hide nor hair of Michael for 2 whole weeks," Clark mentioned to Jeff.

"No worries ... we just got a post from him. Let me open it ..."

As Jeff scanned through the photos sent to the guys, he exchanged a worried look with Clark:


I was deep undercover in this candid photo,
working my way seemlessly into the case as shown ...


Yes ... there were "perks" with the case. Obviously.


This might have been me. Or it might not have been.
Hard to tell if it's actually me in disguise ...

Maurice Dancer's throngs are many and varied ...

Jeff stated the obvious: "We might have a problem ..."

*Note: Because of the sensitive nature of this particular case, the events herein actually happened several months ago. Offered in real time, this case may have gone sideways, compromising not only the integrity of the mission but the clandestine nature with which we worked it.

Monday, May 15, 2017

The Dangerous Dancers Of Maurice


ATTENTION! THIS IS AN ALL-POINTS BULLETIN FROM THE UNBELIEVABLES!

Yes, folks, we need your help. It seems there is a large criminal gang threatening the UK and most of Continental Europe, if not other places. The gang is led by this man:


He goes by the name of Maurice Dancer, and he and his gang are fairly easy to spot as they all wear variations on the costume seen in the above picture, although sometimes animal disguises are worn.

As you can see.
His second-in-command is a woman named "Mrs. Big" who schedules all of their heists.


Their costumes are designed by a woman known only as "The Milliner".


Their crime? They roam the countryside on warm sunny days.looking for pubs to gather outside. Once there, they proceed to dance to old folk tunes played badly on archaic instruments and bash sticks together, jingle bells and wave white napkins in the air. For some reason, people seem to like this. They then rattle lifeboat-shaped 'charity' collection boxes under people's noses and the foolish Joe Q. Public proceeds to empty his pockets in the mistaken belief he is contributing to charity. However, it is our belief that they are just keeping the dosh for themselves for their own nefarious purposes. 

So what do they want the money for? Well, mainly to buy personalised engraved pewter tankards for beer-drinking, and of course, beer. But, we believe, they also need money to train more of their ilk and therefore spread their gang far and wide. Much like the Hell's Angels, they also have `chapters` all over. Facebook is littered with them.

Their techniques are pretty questionable, they fail to prove that their income is going to charity, and they use animals to intimidate kids and adults alike.

See how they terrify a young boy with their horse, Dobbin.

This is Idris, their pet dragon  He'll bite yer bum.
So what do you need to do? The answer, dear readers, is to be vigilant, Keep an eye out for these crooks and do not let them talk you into parting with your well earned moolah. Instead, put in a call to us and let us handle it. 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Be Safe Out There

 

 One of our many satisfied Unbelievatravel Tips end users.

Having read our Monday and Wednesday logs, quite a few of you out there have (some possibly valid) concerns:

"I'm supposed to remember all this?!? I want a relaxing vacation! I don't want to check a cheat sheet every 10 minutes to see if I'm vacationing right!"
You don't want to be this guy ... do you? 
"Cripes! It's easier to stay home on one of those so-called 'stay-cations' than follow some of your tips, UnbelievaGuys!"

"By the time I reserve a private jet out of safety concerns, my holiday nestegg is nixed!"
 By the same token, you don't want to be this gal either ...
"Clark's best basic tip regarding travel? 'Don't.' Hey ... I'm right there with him ..."

There are more ... but you get the idea.

Look folks: Just like living your la vida loca, everything mentioned is subject to your interpretation and level of comfortability. Deep down, you're going to do what you want when you venture off on that travel excursion. All we've done is provide you with a few pointers to give your respite a bit of added comfort, whether it be for the sake of fun or security. 


"I followed The Unbelievables' tips to the letter.
And what an enjoyable holiday I had!"
- Harriet Shoalwalker, private citizen and Instagrammer

Rest assured, however, that if you spurn any of the information provided and any of the aforementioned pop up you'll be slapping yourself for not taking our free advice. The Unbelievables are world travelers, you know - we've got more than a few miles beneath our belts! And in today's world it's best to play it safe and sane out there. Amateur hour is the best method of working yourself into some unnecessary dilemma. Really: Who wants that?


Yes ... The Unbelievables often need to go undercover when traveling.
We kind of stand out if we don't.
(Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark)

So ... traveling solo or with the whole fam damnly, with close friends or part of an entourage, do travel like The Unbelievables do. Safely. Sanely. 


Seriously: Clark's "take a train" tip is a good one.
This guy did. See how relaxed and carefree he is?

Don't make us come back and say "We told you so ..."

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Travellin' Light

Here we are again, folks, to offer guidance from our vast collective bank of Unbelievable experiences about travel. Here to give Conde Nast a run for their money. And today it's my turn. So get ready for

JEFF'S TOP TRAVELIN' TIPS!




1. Let's Insta!
Before we get started, it is vitally important that you take pictures of everything you do on your hols and then post them on Instagram. This will have the effect of either making your holiday destination seem exotic and amazing, or make you seem like a total nob. Or both.



2. Let's pack!
On a serious note, there is one packing tip I can offer that makes complete and total sense - pack light. If you can't fit everything you need into a small suitcase or a rucksack, you're taking too much. Pretty much every hotel will either supply toiletries or be within spittin' distance of a pharmacy and a launderette. Pack your undies and socks in your T-shirts, army roll style. Take enough for three days and then do a wash. Oh, and don't forget to Insta the whole process.


3. Let's Lingo!
Download an app for "Common Phrases" on your phone, then clumsily attempt to use it on the first local you meet. Then become awkwardly self-conscious, ditch the app and say everything loudly and slowly in English anyway. Then feel relief as you learn the locals can all speak fairly decent English.

Pardon?


4. Let's nosh!
Go on TripAdvisor and Yelp to find the best local eateries. Then completely ignore them and go to whichever one you happen upon first. It makes no difference. And then Insta your food so that your friends back home will be jealous.



5. Let's Shop!
Now, I know many of you will not be interested in shopping save for the beachwear stores, but let's say the tourist destination you have chosen is noted for being a shopping mecca. If this is the case, you'll at least have to go through the motions of hitting the shops in case your lame friends back home start to question exactly how style-savvy you are. First, avoid the name-brand stores you can find anywhere and head to the cool, hip local boutiques. Then Insta yourself holding a price tag and caption it "Lolol how much??" or "Daaaammmnn these prices cray-cray!!" and they'll think you've become a style-and-price-conscious fashion maven, and you've only wasted two hours and saved a bundle by not buying anything.




6. Let's Be Security Conscious!
Like us, you know full well that foreign countries are full of unscrupulous characters and shifty types who would sell their own grandma for five bucks given half a chance. So, to be sure of keeping your valuables safe, you should (a) put them in a money belt or fannypack so that you can look even more touristy in public, or (b) just keep your wallet in your pocket and continually do the "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch" dance everywhere you go. Either way, don't forget to put it on Insta.



7. Let's Get Blitzed!
If you want to go bar-hopping, do it in the company of some of your friends. Do not do it in the company of some other tourists you just met. You'll end up drunk, yes, but probably sans clothes and/or wallet. Or you could go to the clubs, where you will realise after about 30 seconds that it is impossible to enjoy yourself when you are trying to chat up a foreign babe and buy a rink in a dark room full of sweaty types while getting your ears bashed by Euro-techno. You will also then realise that you don't even go to the clubs in your hometown, so what the hell are you doing? Nope, best way to get drunk on vacay is to go to the hotel bar during Happy Hour and down a few Cosmos. Oh, and don't forget to put it on Insta.




So there you are, folks. Just a few hard-learned lessons from your man in the know.

Michael will be back on Friday with his take on travel.




Monday, May 8, 2017

Unbelievatravel tips

Flight status: "AUUGGGH!!"
As summer approaches, so does the desire to travel abroad for vacations.
This poses some direct challenges to your safety.
"As terrorist attacks, political upheaval, and violence often take place without any warning, U.S. citizens are strongly encouraged to maintain a high level of vigilance and take appropriate steps to increase their security awareness when traveling." - U.S. Department of State
Terrorist groups have actually been getting in touch with us to express their concerns about this very matter.
"How are we supposed to kill people if people kill each other before they even reach their destinations? Look, we're terrorists and as reliably unreasonable as any group you're likely to meet, but some of these people are crazy!" - various terrorists
They're referencing a recent spate of incidents taking place on commercial airlines...

So in the interest of public safety, here are some basic tips from us, your heroes, regarding travel.
  1. Don't.
  2. Okay, if you have to go somewhere, take a train. Incidents like these have stopped happening on trains since bandits stopped robbing them.
  3. All right, all right. You can't take a train everywhere. Sometimes flight is the only way to reach your destination. In that case, take a private jet. Like we do.
The crew of the Unbelievajet, where every flight attendant is a captain and vice-versa.

Seriously, if you have access to a private jet staffed by your own hand-picked, expertly-trained flight crew, why wouldn't you travel that way everywhere, all the time? Duh.

The guys will be along later this week offering other tips, tid-bits and tip-bits.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Recipe For Love

You may have seen around th'Interwebs a phrase, an axiom or quote if you will, that goes along the lines of "Any man can love a thousand women, but a real man (or "rare guy" or "good man") can love one woman in a thousand different ways." While this is complete hokum, of course, with a little tweak it can be made into a serviceable adage for the ages. Simply substitute "woman/women" for "potato/potatoes" and there we have the perfect sign to hang above the ceramic hob.



Fellas, it all boils down to this - to get the ladies all steamed up, get to know the humble spud. If you can get to a level of ability in the kitchen that's even a fifth as good as my own when it comes to the pommes de terre,  then you will be surrounded by beautiful ladies from morning till night. It's a secret I learned from reading the chef's diary of legendary gourmet, bon vivant, and potato aficianado Chris P. Bacon, who died when attempting to get out of his well-worn bed in order to visit the kitchen and whip up a fresh batch of Murphys when the bed collapsed, entangling him and his two female companions in a heaving mass of silk sheets, continental quilt and coiled spring. The more they struggled to be free of the bed's metallic grip, the tighter the coils became, not to mention the splintered wood and nails flying all over the place. They were discovered three days later, all dead and contorted together with eerie grimaces on their faces, not to mention flecks of dried mash on their chins.

Unlike Chef Bacon, however, I practise moderation in all things - if I didn't, I'd be the size of a small hotel - but still live a life fully satisfied in the whipped potatoes dept. as well as the female companionship area.

See, the ladies can't resist a well-prepared spud. These pics should more than prove my point.

Oh yeah. She knows.

Fresh is always preferable, but the popularity of these items with the ladies kinda goes some way to proving me correct.

Whut?
But what I've discovered is that women will go to extreme lengths to pledge their allegiance to the humble tuber. Let's take these examples of women's garments which are freely available on the Web...


Oh wait, it gets worse (or better as the case may be)...

Wow.

Oh, hang on a min... I've just noticed Unbelievababe Sheila E. McEaston slipping in through the door of my boudoir, wearing nothing but a sly smile - which she flashed in my direction - and this item...


 
Ahem! Er, uh... goodnight all.